I have always been an idealist; a flawed one, at best. I have always tried to look at things within the bigger picture, rather than getting caught up in small irrelevant details, which I believed would eventually dissolve into the background. It was only prior to taking my exams, however, where it suddenly hit me with such incredible force, that I could no longer be such a fuelled idealist. I suspect that this overwhelming feeling will remain as a constant means of deterrence to avoid future disappointment at all costs. Taking my exams ultimately made me realise that I needed to be more realistic in what I could achieve. I felt weakened due to the constant prospect of future disappointment, and this frightened me to the state of restlessness.

Similarly, I have always had a nagging inclination at the forefront of my mind to set high targets and work my way up towards them, rather than setting myself low ones simply in order to grab them within a reach. In this case, the journey of growing up would be limited, and where’s the excitement in that? I have always preferred working this way, from which I believe I take after my father. I believed I needed to lower my expectation threshold in order to achieve a sense of fulfilment - similarly to the people around me - when in reality, the concept of working towards a high target is far more exciting and satisfying in the long run, than throwing in the towel and deciding on your fate already.

The confusing thought process of even considering lowering this expectation threshold saddened me greatly, as it was one of the only things I had confidently held onto for such a prolonged length of time – primary school and high school alike. Various talks and detailed advice from my parents didn’t prove to rescue myself from being in such a state, despite their full support and understanding. It did, however, remind me that my mum and dad, teachers, relatives alike - wouldn’t be disappointment in any means, if I didn’t achieve the results I so badly wanted.

And then something strange happened. I had to sit myself down, without any relations, teachers and closest ones, and bring this collection of thoughts back to me. On a personal level, what did I want to achieve?

After a night of everything going perfectly wrong, I was reminded in a simple manner, that it's okay to feel the way I did. It was going to be okay. 

Sure. Sometimes, life is shit. Sometimes, it's going to be incredibly difficult to keep your head down and your thoughts clear. You find yourself wondering whether what you are doing is right, or even sane. You question your ability to do all of those things you set out to do. I know I did. There have been moments when I've caught my reflection off guard in the mirror, and realised how frightened I look. And sometimes, I am.

But it's good to be frightened. It's healthy to be scared of other people's expectations. I'm learning that it is this that pushes us further than we originally thought possible. I had felt so incredibly frightened that relatives, teachers, and more importantly whether I would be disappointed in myself, when realistically I was reading too far into things – as per usual. At the end of the day, an education is still an education - despite your final score. I appeared to believe that this collection of letters would be a concrete reflection of my level of intelligence. But I had been so very wrong. It's also important, that we remember this, too. I reminded my best friend of this, just this night: You never hear about the trophy that an athlete wins. People never talk about how shiny or golden it is. Whilst it may be pretty, and shiny, and creates fleeting responses of awe; a person's achievements aren't measured by that little shining piece of metal that they receive at the end of the race.

They talk about the race that was run. 
They talk, in awe, about the journey that was made to get that trophy. 
And that is what I too, have been reminding myself.

Sure, I want to get the best possible results I can for year eleven. I want to be the best possible friend I can be. I want to produce the best possible work I can. But at the end of the day, it won't be that, which people will be left talking about.

It will be how I got there, that will last. 

And that goes for anything in life. No matter what life throws at you, you stand up - and you face it. Sometimes, it's going to hurt. Sometimes, you'll catch it. And sometimes, someone might even be around to see you catch it. But there will always be the people around you, who will be there to remind you that tomorrow is a new day.

"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."  
~ Ernest Hemingway.