Radical self love is hard work. A task that feels impossible. But trying is what we can strive for, and working to be gentle and compassionate with ourselves and others on our lifelong journeys of self-loving. Our culture promotes body shaming so viciously, that I think it's important to begin to speak up and relate to one another about that shame many of us, women and men, have in common. The shame that is spoon-fed to us from such a tender age. I myself hold onto the fear that it is somehow weak and anti-feminist to admit I want to change my body. I fear that by admitting disapproval of my body, I automatically render myself a tool to this misogynistic weight obsessed culture. But I wouldn't, by any means, desire to project this negativity; which functions as a trigger to potential or pre-existing eating disorders, to others who may also be suffering. 

Despite my root beliefs, in which I've grown to understand the profiting purpose of the media's attack on insecurity, I simultaneously invest just as heavily in a surreal and unsettling fear. I fear that if I am not thin, I am not beautiful or desirable to the opposite sex. There is no right and wrong way to be a woman; I think too often feminism is pigeon-holed as just one way of looking and acting. It is believing in equality, and being active and intentional in your own life choices. It is standing up for your self worth. Therefore, with this distorted mindset I feel that if I did radically change my lifestyle, it would be for the wrong reasons. It would be a means of seeking approval from my peers, from fear of being deemed utterly undesirable. I wish I could say truthfully and refuse to ever change for anyone but myself, but I would deem myself a liar. 

To me there is nothing more sexist and anti-feminist than someone saying there is only one right way to be as a woman. As my mother often tells me; “There are more ANDs than ORs in life". I will wear a dress and make-up AND have hairy armpits, if I CHOOSE. I will keep close contact with my family AND be a nurturing, present parent in future. I will sleep with whomever I chose AND reserve the right to say no. I think it is time we as feminists say no to the cycles of shame and fear we allow ourselves to be tangled in, and stand up to support all people in making empowered and intentional choices rooted in love. It isn't a decision which is made and established in one sitting. It is a mindset to be up kept every single day, and it isn't easy.

My parents are very thankful to have two healthy children. Unfortunately, it can sometimes take a near-death experience, in order to fully appreciate our very existence, and the bodies which work to nurture and sustain us. Similarly to many, I never even marginally appreciated my good health, until recent years. The most evocative occasion was probably volunteering at a primary school, for disabled children. I remember being so nervous of how I should act, of what I should say. It was a mind-blowing experience to my particularly sensitive thirteen year old self. It was their sports day. There were so many happy young faces and proud mums and dads in the crowd. I didn't volunteer to build up my god damn CV, or to purposely avoid Maths class. I hope to continue to make such decisions, rooted in love and welcoming tolerance. 

Now, my obligation is not to reveal my own experience. One, because it's particularly personal, and two; it's still very raw to me, and I feel I'm still not in the desired place. But I will reach a mindset, in which tranquillity meets inner wholeness. I will eventually welcome my whole self home; legs, arms and hands included. Ultimately, the road is long, and it's only with yourself. I feel I've learnt to become more appreciative of other qualities, of both myself and others I have, and will encounter in future, such as integrity, morality and intellect.