Radical self love is hard work. A task that feels impossible. But trying is what we can strive for, and working to be gentle and compassionate with ourselves and others on our lifelong journeys of self-loving. Our culture promotes body shaming so viciously, that I think it's important to begin to speak up and relate to one another about that shame many of us, women and men, have in common. The shame that is spoon-fed to us from such a tender age. I myself hold onto the fear that it is somehow weak and anti-feminist to admit I want to change my body. I fear that by admitting disapproval of my body, I automatically render myself a tool to this misogynistic weight obsessed culture. But I wouldn't, by any means, desire to project this negativity; which functions as a trigger to potential or pre-existing eating disorders, to others who may also be suffering. 

Despite my root beliefs, in which I've grown to understand the profiting purpose of the media's attack on insecurity, I simultaneously invest just as heavily in a surreal and unsettling fear. I fear that if I am not thin, I am not beautiful or desirable to the opposite sex. There is no right and wrong way to be a woman; I think too often feminism is pigeon-holed as just one way of looking and acting. It is believing in equality, and being active and intentional in your own life choices. It is standing up for your self worth. Therefore, with this distorted mindset I feel that if I did radically change my lifestyle, it would be for the wrong reasons. It would be a means of seeking approval from my peers, from fear of being deemed utterly undesirable. I wish I could say truthfully and refuse to ever change for anyone but myself, but I would deem myself a liar. 

To me there is nothing more sexist and anti-feminist than someone saying there is only one right way to be as a woman. As my mother often tells me; “There are more ANDs than ORs in life". I will wear a dress and make-up AND have hairy armpits, if I CHOOSE. I will keep close contact with my family AND be a nurturing, present parent in future. I will sleep with whomever I chose AND reserve the right to say no. I think it is time we as feminists say no to the cycles of shame and fear we allow ourselves to be tangled in, and stand up to support all people in making empowered and intentional choices rooted in love. It isn't a decision which is made and established in one sitting. It is a mindset to be up kept every single day, and it isn't easy.

My parents are very thankful to have two healthy children. Unfortunately, it can sometimes take a near-death experience, in order to fully appreciate our very existence, and the bodies which work to nurture and sustain us. Similarly to many, I never even marginally appreciated my good health, until recent years. The most evocative occasion was probably volunteering at a primary school, for disabled children. I remember being so nervous of how I should act, of what I should say. It was a mind-blowing experience to my particularly sensitive thirteen year old self. It was their sports day. There were so many happy young faces and proud mums and dads in the crowd. I didn't volunteer to build up my god damn CV, or to purposely avoid Maths class. I hope to continue to make such decisions, rooted in love and welcoming tolerance. 

Now, my obligation is not to reveal my own experience. One, because it's particularly personal, and two; it's still very raw to me, and I feel I'm still not in the desired place. But I will reach a mindset, in which tranquillity meets inner wholeness. I will eventually welcome my whole self home; legs, arms and hands included. Ultimately, the road is long, and it's only with yourself. I feel I've learnt to become more appreciative of other qualities, of both myself and others I have, and will encounter in future, such as integrity, morality and intellect. 

When all is said and done, it comes down to one reality.

We are here. And then, we are not.

Many people spend the entirety of their lives fearing the idea of death, terrified that they will not achieve all that they believe themselves capable of in the short amount of time that they are delegated. We are weighed down by the pressure that we place upon ourselves to succeed on a superficial level and we are burdened with the expectations of others placed upon us also.

We go through life searching for approval, for success, for instant gratification. We are constantly seeking recognition, praise, acceptance and meaning.

And then it is over. 

I wanted to write this post as a reminder of the fleeting nature of life. And not just your own.

You are surrounded by so many beautiful, intelligent, inspirational people. And yet, there is a great chance that these people will enter and leave your life without you truly appreciating everything that they offer until they are gone.

But I write this, as an open letter to anyone who may be reading, as a reminder to wake up tomorrow morning and thank whoever may be watching over you for the people in your life. If you are anything like me, you may find it difficult to simply remind a person outwardly of how much you love them. If this is the case, I want you to do me a favour. Show them how much you love them by living your life in a way that suggests that you are beyond caring about the superficialities of life. Live in a selfless, accepting way - and in this way, you will be far more open to giving and receiving a certain kind of love -  the love that overrules the appeal of any amount of approval gained or acceptance granted. If you truly want to achieve something in your life, you need to trust that it will fall into place if it is meant to be. Don't waste your energy on placing unnecessary pressure on yourself, when you could be delegating that energy to reminding yourself and those around you, of how much you love them. 

I promise you. Life will come and go before you know it. You will grow, you will change, and you will meet so many incredible people who will make you into an even more beautiful person than you already are - all in the blink of an eye.

You will travel to amazing places, you will do amazing things, and you will learn to appreciate how much of a gift life can be if you allow yourself to see past the superficial surface. This may require neglecting the influence of social norms and settling for less than what you believe yourself capable of at times, in order to truly understand that things will fall apart so better things can fall together.

In return, I want you to promise me that you will learn to trust in yourself and your abilities to achieve anything you feel compelled to achieve. I want you to promise me, that you will wake up tomorrow and remind yourself that we only get one shot to live this life. To be who you are, and share that person with those you love.

Promise me, that you will wake up tomorrow- and live.

Everything else will fall into place, I promise you.

Put everything behind you - every stress, every concern, every inhibition, every held grudge, every aspect of your life that distracts you from taking a step back to see you life for what it is.

Because we are here, and then we are not.

Let go.

Live.

I have always been an idealist; a flawed one, at best. I have always tried to look at things within the bigger picture, rather than getting caught up in small irrelevant details, which I believed would eventually dissolve into the background. It was only prior to taking my exams, however, where it suddenly hit me with such incredible force, that I could no longer be such a fuelled idealist. I suspect that this overwhelming feeling will remain as a constant means of deterrence to avoid future disappointment at all costs. Taking my exams ultimately made me realise that I needed to be more realistic in what I could achieve. I felt weakened due to the constant prospect of future disappointment, and this frightened me to the state of restlessness.

Similarly, I have always had a nagging inclination at the forefront of my mind to set high targets and work my way up towards them, rather than setting myself low ones simply in order to grab them within a reach. In this case, the journey of growing up would be limited, and where’s the excitement in that? I have always preferred working this way, from which I believe I take after my father. I believed I needed to lower my expectation threshold in order to achieve a sense of fulfilment - similarly to the people around me - when in reality, the concept of working towards a high target is far more exciting and satisfying in the long run, than throwing in the towel and deciding on your fate already.

The confusing thought process of even considering lowering this expectation threshold saddened me greatly, as it was one of the only things I had confidently held onto for such a prolonged length of time – primary school and high school alike. Various talks and detailed advice from my parents didn’t prove to rescue myself from being in such a state, despite their full support and understanding. It did, however, remind me that my mum and dad, teachers, relatives alike - wouldn’t be disappointment in any means, if I didn’t achieve the results I so badly wanted.

And then something strange happened. I had to sit myself down, without any relations, teachers and closest ones, and bring this collection of thoughts back to me. On a personal level, what did I want to achieve?

After a night of everything going perfectly wrong, I was reminded in a simple manner, that it's okay to feel the way I did. It was going to be okay. 

Sure. Sometimes, life is shit. Sometimes, it's going to be incredibly difficult to keep your head down and your thoughts clear. You find yourself wondering whether what you are doing is right, or even sane. You question your ability to do all of those things you set out to do. I know I did. There have been moments when I've caught my reflection off guard in the mirror, and realised how frightened I look. And sometimes, I am.

But it's good to be frightened. It's healthy to be scared of other people's expectations. I'm learning that it is this that pushes us further than we originally thought possible. I had felt so incredibly frightened that relatives, teachers, and more importantly whether I would be disappointed in myself, when realistically I was reading too far into things – as per usual. At the end of the day, an education is still an education - despite your final score. I appeared to believe that this collection of letters would be a concrete reflection of my level of intelligence. But I had been so very wrong. It's also important, that we remember this, too. I reminded my best friend of this, just this night: You never hear about the trophy that an athlete wins. People never talk about how shiny or golden it is. Whilst it may be pretty, and shiny, and creates fleeting responses of awe; a person's achievements aren't measured by that little shining piece of metal that they receive at the end of the race.

They talk about the race that was run. 
They talk, in awe, about the journey that was made to get that trophy. 
And that is what I too, have been reminding myself.

Sure, I want to get the best possible results I can for year eleven. I want to be the best possible friend I can be. I want to produce the best possible work I can. But at the end of the day, it won't be that, which people will be left talking about.

It will be how I got there, that will last. 

And that goes for anything in life. No matter what life throws at you, you stand up - and you face it. Sometimes, it's going to hurt. Sometimes, you'll catch it. And sometimes, someone might even be around to see you catch it. But there will always be the people around you, who will be there to remind you that tomorrow is a new day.

"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."  
~ Ernest Hemingway.